Who'd a thunk?

It's amazing what you can achieve after you've graduated from the StraightFaced School of Politics. Some recent announcments:

• Most of the cancer tests in New Brunswick were entirely accurate.
  
• The great majority of Manitobans aren't in danger from swine flu. 
  
• My bonus was as contractually agreed , to compensate me for losing the much larger bonus I could have expected in industry (Where the equivalent bonus was a third the size).
  
• The car suffers defeat when Jarvis is to have a bike lane after all. Ignoring the fact that Sherbourne has a wide bike lane on both sides all the way from Queen to Bloor.
  

No-one seems to realise that:

• "surplus" simply means, "We didn't spend as much as we thought we would." It's not free money, it's just money we don't have to spend yet.
  And in the case of the federal government, it's money that's taken out of the real world of providing things and goes to pay down the national debt. 
  Speaking of shell games.
• "We don't have it in the budget to give you more" means, "We have the money, but we're not going to spend it on you."
• "Challenging, a new era, exciting, on the brink, demanding" all mean it ain't going to happen.
• "After consultation with the stakeholders" means after an auction with the lobbyists.